Trust - The Basis for Intimacy

Trust is built gradually during dating and courtship. Trust allows one to open up emotionally to one's partner, creating feelings of closeness and making emotional intimacy possible.  Over time this trust, and with it, intimacy can grow. However, many things can undermine trust:

- Frequent or extreme emotional outbursts,

- Excessive criticism,

- Emotional withdrawal or distancing,

- Unresolved conflicts (i.e. frequent arguments without resolution or "making up"),

- Threats of violence, separation or divorce,

- Insults or other verbal abuse, secrecy, lying, stealing, and of course, infidelity and physical abuse.

If these behaviors occur in a relationship and are not dealt with, corrected, and amend made, then trust is gradually destroyed and loving feelings gradually diminish or die.

Infidelity

-  Infidelity is a particularly painful and destructive form of betrayal of trust.   Since emotional and sexual intimacy is the primary bonds in a monogamous relationship, sharing either of these intimacies with another seriously threatens the relationship.  It also seriously undermines the betrayed partner's sense of worth.

-  However justified by the betraying partner, the discovery of infidelity (sexual or emotional) is a TRAUMA for the betrayed partner.  The basis for the entire relationship and its important role in their life is suddenly knocked out from under them.   Anyone experiencing a TRAUMA experiences a range of emotions - disbelief, confusion. hurt, anger, sadness, anxiety, and a strong desire to gain some control or at least understanding of what has happened, as well as a strong desire to protect themselves from further pain.

-  Infidelity usually occurs after some or substantial emotional distance has been allowed to develop in the relationship.  This fact does not excuse the infidelity but needs to take into account in any effort to really heal the breach caused by the infidelity.

Recovery from Infidelity

-  The fact of infidelity or its discovery does put the relationship in jeopardy.  However, unless one or both partners have completely given up on the relationship, many relationships can and do recover.

-  Several factors are necessary, in my experience, for a couple to heal and rebuild their relationship:
- Both must genuinely want to save the relationship, and be willing to look at their own contributions to the state of their relationship prior to the infidelity's occurrence,
- The unfaithful behavior must stop and not recur,
- Honesty and openness concerning unfaithful behavior must start and become the expected norm,
- Real empathy on the part of the betraying  partner for the betrayed partner's feelings and from this, genuine remorse needs to be felt and expressed,
- Amends need to be made (these depend on the particular couple),
- Work to rebuild trust must start.

-  In terms of therapy, this requires some work by each individual and some couples therapy.

This process takes time and is at times stressful, but I have found that for couples who want to save their relationship and who work hard at it, many can and do rebuild their relationship to be closer and more satisfying than they had ever had before.