Conflicts hurt, and anger arises in all couples from time to time. These guidelines for “fair fighting” can help couples deal with these common problems and grow stronger as a team. The guidelines below are brief and sound simple, but they are hard to use consistently, especially when feelings are running hot. They do not guarantee success, but if both partners try to use them consistently, they can help shorten arguments and decrease hurt feelings.
As with any new set of behaviors, they take practice and repeated use to become new patterns that replace unproductive habits of arguing. Do not get discouraged if you or your partner cannot stick to them at first. And do not start a second argument by blaming your partner for not following the rules during an argument! (Don't laugh. You will at times be tempted to do just that.)
First, DO have your arguments. Holding in strong negative feelings can lead to resentments which over time lead to loss of love for the partner. So, don't shut down, withdraw or become sarcastic or passive-aggressive. Instead, TALK seriously with your partner. And try to follow these guidelines. The goal is greater mutual understanding and getting back to feelings of mutual love.
- Maintain your RESPECT for your partner. No degrading language, no insults, or name-calling. No yelling or use of force. No threats, intimidation, or talk of ending the relationship, which is a huge threat!
- Stick with ONE THING at a time. Not even just one issue: stick with one current or recent instance of one issue at a time, even if it is a recurring issue. Do not bring up other examples, even though you may think it will make your point more clear. It will probably expand the fight and make the other person more defensive. Do not bring up other complaints. Even if you see a close connection, it only expands the fight. For the same reasons, avoid generalizations (“You always do this!”).
- LISTEN&TAKE TURNS. Since you want to be understood, it will really help if you give your partner the same understanding. It is impossible to really listen/understand while one is talking or planning what one will say as soon as the other person stops talking. The goal of this rule is to increase EMPATHY, especially for the underlying feelings of the other. It will help the other to understand you if you focus on FEELINGS MORE THAN FACTS. Many couples spend most of their arguments disputing facts which rarely leads to any resolution and leaves increased bad feelings both about the partner and about the couple: “We can't even agree on the facts!” Using more “I” statements than “You” statements will help, since it tends to lead to more talk of one's feelings and to less blaming. By “feelings” I mean emotions, wants, and needs. “I feel sad,” or “I want us to spend more time together”, are “I” statements about emotions and wants. “I feel that you always...” is not a statement about one's emotions, but instead is a “you” statement blaming the other. The underlying feeling is probably anger, or hurt, or sadness.
- TIMING of arguments is also important. Don't expect the best outcome if either of you is too tired or distracted or had too much to drink. It helps if the instance you are discussing is recent, so try to talk soon after one of you is upset. Also, lengthy arguments usually become less productive as both people can become frustrated and tired, so try to limit the initial discussion to 20 – 30 minutes. This is especially true if the process is not productive. In any case, if both people do not feel the issue is resolved then make a commitment to return to the issue within a reasonable time.
If these guidelines do not help reduce conflict in your couple, even after consistently trying to put them into practice, the underlying hurts and resentments may require intervention with the help of an experienced couples therapist. Good Fair Fighting!