Effective apologizing is vital to healing hurts and mending rifts in relationships. It shortens arguments, leads to better mutual understanding, affirms the injured partner, and is actually self-affirming for the partner making the apology.
We often behave in ways that hurt or anger people we care about. Hopefully, we have learned from an early age how to apologize or make amends to the person we have hurt or angered. For many of us, this is very hard to do. We may fear the other's anger and blame, and we may feel bad about our behavior or the hurt it has caused. We may feel misunderstood or unreasonably blamed. This can cause us to react defensively with explanations or excuses, or even try to blame the situation or even the other person.
Often we want to apologize (or feel we should do so), but many people struggle to deliver effective contrition. An incomplete apology or making one or more of the following common mistakes tend to make the resulting discussions less satisfying for both parties than would be possible. By employing the following elements of a complete apology it is probable the couple will achieve a better outcome.
Three essential elements of a full apology:
“I'm sorry that I ______(did X, or did not do X).” Take personal responsibility for an action, words or omission. Other words that say the same thing include “ I regret that I ____” or “ I feel really bad that I ____.”
Empathize with the other's feelings. This is very often skipped or done too briefly. This can make the other person not feel really understood or cared about. Staying focused on the other person's feelings is difficult because it is hard to look at one's partner in pain or anger caused by one's own actions. Phrases like: “I know you're angry with me (or upset, or hurt), especially since....(I've done this so often, You've treated me so well, I promised I would/wouldn't....) Empathizing and going through the pain of seeing the other's pain shows that one truly cares about the other's feelings. This step shows: “I care about you, about your feelings.” It helps to actually say this, too!
“I won't do this again.” This follows logically and directly from the first two elements, yet many people do not say it. Perhaps one does not think of it, thinks it unnecessary, or fears they will not keep this promise. Also sincere phrases such as: “I never want to hurt you like this again,” can effectively convey this intent. If the hurtful behavior has been repeated several times: “I am committed to working on changing this behavior...so I won't hurt you again” can be valuable. Some commitment about this is necessary or serious doubts about the sincerity of the feelings behind the apology will arise.
Three “Don'ts” which can ruin an apology:
DON'T make excuses, explain what you were thinking, defend or justify your actions, clarify your motives. These are natural impulses, but they completely undermine the apology. Also, don't blame the other person -“It's your fault because...”, “You do ____something similar to me,” or “You're overreacting,” even if true. Don't normalize your actions -“Everybody does it!” All these statements show a greater interest in denying responsibility than in helping the other person feel better.
DON'T debate the facts, bring up “evidence” of past history (of either of you), “I didn't do exactly that.” These responses also negate the apology. They also lead to more arguing about the facts and take both people away from their deeper feelings.
DON'T Interrupt. Do listen – even if it is painful. If it is painful, tell the other person that you are hurting. This is not to get them to stop, but to show one's own feelings and care.
Asking for Forgiveness
One important step that is not a part of the actual apology is necessary for full healing of the hurt and mending the relationship is ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS, or at least that the other accept the apology: “I hope you can/will forgive me/accept my apology.” Offering an apology shows that one hopes for forgiveness and a return to the prior emotional state of the relationship. Expressing hope of forgiveness states this wish or feeling explicit. Asking for forgiveness needs to follow the full apology and some discussion of both party's feelings. Doing so before a complete apology will show more concern with relieving one's own discomfort than concern for relieving the other's pain.
This important step is often avoided or put off out of fear of a negative reaction which is painful to hear. Sometimes the offender feels so guilty that they feel they don't deserve forgiveness. Both of these concerns miss the point. The point is to convey one's own feelings or wishes, rather than requesting a response from the injured partner, or than an abstract notion of right and wrong.
Hurt feelings take time and emotionally honest interactions to heal. These steps are no guaranty of success, but they greatly increase the chances that the hurt can be mended.