The Importance of Relationships
Most people's greatest satisfaction and greatest difficulties occur in relationships. Most people seeking psychotherapy do so because of relationship problems.
In working with couples (married, engaged, or dating) I have found that the most universal pain is not being understood by one's partner. This pain underlies all conflicts and arguments.
- Feelings of rejection, abandonment, and betrayal include this pain.
- Feeling blamed or criticized include this pain.
- Feeling ignored, unappreciated, or unloved is related to this pain.
The opposite of these painful feelings include:
- Feeling seen,
- Feeling appreciated and cared for,
- Feeling thought about, accepted, and loved for who we are.
Successful couples therapy must, in addition to creating a safe environment, help each member of the couple better understand the other. It is not enough for the therapist to be fair, impartial, and even empathic with each member of the couple. To be really helpful, the therapist must help each member understand their partner better. Using a variety of approaches, this is what I initially focus on in the couple's sessions. I actively engage with couples to facilitate more effective communication and to disrupt dysfunctional patterns which, even though destructive, the couple is having trouble breaking out of or changing.
Since increases in self-understanding are very helpful in making couple changes, I also work in the couple sessions to help each individual better understand and accept themselves. I sometimes recommend that both individuals be involved in concurrent individual psychotherapy since this can greatly speed up the couple's progress.
A couples consultation may:
- Help clarify each person's perspective
- Help clarify whether the couple is ready for therapy
- Decrease concerns and objections to couples therapy
If your partner is unwilling or not ready for a couples consultation, an individual consultation may be helpful to get started. An individual session can help a person to get clearer about themselves, get some emotional relief, and perhaps even make some changes in their behavior, and perhaps couples therapy comes later.